With many Pokémon games still coming out on a yearly basis, the world is almost as Pokémon-crazy as it’s ever been. And who’s honestly surprised by this? It’s a great, child-orientated game franchise that appeals to millions of people worldwide.
Oh I’m sorry, did I say child-orientated? Ahaha, ahaha, aha – no. As anyone who’s spent five minutes in the creepy-music town of Lavender can tell you, Pokémon certainly has its dark side. Even from the get-go, if you consider the base material is about enslaving living creatures, keeping them in small, claustrophobic cages and forcing them to fight each other, you’ll realize either the developers really are blissfully unaware of the games’ creepy factor or they’re simply sick fucks. Given the following top thirteen disturbing Pokémon, my bet goes on the latter…
And by the way: none of these are personal interpretation. These are all based solely on their Pokédex entries.
Number 13: Cubone
Perhaps the most famous of the disturbing Pokémon is Cubone and it’s the only reason it’s listed as the least disturbing, so let’s cover this one briefly.
Wears the skull of its deceased mother. Its cries echo inside the skull and come out as a sad melody.
Cubone mysteriously resembles Charmander, wears the tear-stained skull of its dead mother and has said skull fused with its head when it evolves. Children’s game, folks! *thumbs-up*
Number 12: Alakazam
Alakazam is intelligent, elegant and an all-round cool dude. The most disturbing thing about him is that he could bend and destroy your prized cutlery, right?
Its brain cells multiply continually until it dies. As a result, it remembers everything.
Huh. So, Alakazam’s brain cells multiply until, in effect, he’s got so many that it kills him. And he remembers the pain this no-doubt causes him in the weeks before this happens. I like to think his head explodes at the end, but then I am a terrible person.
Number 11: Spoink
Spoink! What on Earth could be disturbing about this cute ‘lil bouncing ball of fun, I hear you ask? Look no further than its Pokémon Ruby Pokédex entry:
Spoink bounces around on its tail. The shock of its bouncing makes its heart pump. As a result, this Pokémon cannot afford to stop bouncing – if it stops, its heart will stop.
Oh… Oh, what? Oh, Jesus! You mean to say that Spoink needs to bounce to survive and if he stops he dies? This is like a Pokémon version of the movie ‘Speed’! I’m sure some excited 10-year-old Pokémon Trainer has, at one point or another, grabbed a Sponk to give it a cuddle. A cuddled Spoink means a not-bouncing Spoink. A permanently not-bouncing Spoink.
Number 10: Lampent
A Pokémon that’s a lamp. We’re safe with a lamp Pokémon by our sides… Right? Wrong. Here’s its joined entries for Black and White.
This ominous Pokémon is feared. Through cities it wanders, searching for the spirits of the fallen. It arrives near the moment of death and steals spirits from the body.
You’d at least expect to feel safe around a lamp, but Nintendo aren’t happy until you’re shit-scared of every object in your home in case it’s in fact a sentient being that wants to steal your soul. That’s fine, I didn’t wanna sleep anyway.
Number 9: Muk
Muk’s a mess and he should take a long, hard look at himself. It goes without saying that, for a kid’s game character, he’s also moderately disturbing.
A toxic fluid seeps from its body. The fluid instantly kills plants and trees on contact. Touching it accidentally will cause a fever that requires bed rest.
Not satisfied with destroying plants, trees and crops (that we need to, y’know, eat) Muk will also make you sick if you decide you want to touch him. And my God is that a sexy Muk, so I do want to touch him.
For an added bonus, consider this: Bellsprout and all those other plant Pokémon? Yeeeeah, they’re probably all dead.
Number 8: Drowzee
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Drowzee’s a bit of a nutter and I already know he eats dreams, but is he really all that disturbing? Take one more look at this flailing crazy and tell me you’d feel safe passing it in the street.
It remembers every dream it eats. It rarely eats the dreams of adults because children’s are much tastier.
That’s right, kids – if you take any lesson away from Pokémon, let it be that your dreams are tastier than adult’s. I wouldn’t let Drowzee babysit my children, that’s all I’m sayin’.
Number 7: Gengar
He’s that famous ghost guy that we’ve all grown up with, so perhaps you might like to be reminded why you should really fear and hate it with these Pokédex entries from Ruby/Sapphire and Silver:
Sometimes, on a dark night, your shadow thrown by a streetlight will suddenly and startlingly overtake you. It is actually a Gengar running past you, pretending to be your shadow. To steal the life of its target, it slips into the prey’s shadow and silently waits for an opportunity.
In short, Gengar stalks people at night, pretends to be their shadow and then silently kills them. This overgrown ball-of-gas should be sent to prison. Officer Jenny – you’ve got your work cut out for you, love.
Number 6: Pinsir
You wouldn’t know it, but this lovable bug is perhaps the most violent Pokémon that ever was. Here’s his Diamond/Pearl Pokédex entry.
It grips prey with its pincers until the prey is torn in half. What it can’t tear, it tosses far.
Whereas most Pokémon use magic attacks that make other Pokémon faint, Pinsir decides that’s not enough for his bloodthirsty needs and just tears his opponents literally in half. Not even 40 Nurse Joy’s could resolve that issue.
Number 5: Duskull
Duskull’s another ghost Pokémon so it may surprise you that he’s a creepy fella’, but I think we’ve all considered him to be generally harmless. Here’s a combination of his Generation IV Pokédex entries to break that misconception.
It doggedly pursues its prey wherever it goes. If it finds bad children who won’t listen to their parents, it will spirit them away–or so it’s said. It loves the crying of children. It startles bad kids by passing through walls and making them cry.
Duskull’s a real one-eyed monster, huh? Not a pocket monster, just… Just a damned monster. He finds naughty children and ‘spirits them away’. To where? And why does he love the crying of children? If I was a child Pokémon Trainer, I’d vow to catch as many as I could and throw the Pokéballs down a well. A well of lava.
Number 4: Drifloon
Drifloon, the balloon Pokémon. Nothing’s more child-friendly or less disturbing than a balloon. Surely there’s no possible way they could make this creepy?
It is whispered that any child who mistakes Drifloon for a balloon and holds on to it could wind up missing. It tugs on the hands of children to steal them away.
Why would you do this me, Nintendo? I get ghost-looking Pokémon like Gengar being somewhat creepy, but… Jeez, this is a balloon that steals children away when they grab on to it. Pokémon sure do seem to have a grudge against children. Couldn’t imagine why. *coughyearsofbeingforcedtofightbykidscough*
Number 3: Shedinja
Shedinja is a simple empty bug shell that can’t even move. If it wasn’t for all the other crazy stuff going on, I’d forgive you for not expecting something horrible.
Shedinja’s hard body doesn’t move – not even a twitch. In fact, its body appears to be merely a hollow shell. It is believed that this Pokémon will steal the spirit of anyone peering into its hollow body from its back.
Oh. Oh, good. If you happen to have a Nincada that evolves in to this monstrosity and accidentally stare at the hole in its back one lovely morning, prepare to have your soul sucked out of your face and given to a bug.
Number 2: Banette
Banette, on appearance alone, is probably the least surprising entry on this list. Sometimes we really should judge books by their covers, and here’s why:
Banette generates energy for laying strong curses by sticking pins into its own body. An abandoned plush doll became this Pokémon. They are said to live in garbage dumps and wander about in search of the children that threw them away.
Banette lives the pleasant existence of a doll-come-to-life that habitually self-harms whilst hunting down the child whom once threw it away. If catching ‘em all means dealing with that then I’m playing Digimon instead.
Number 1: Yamask
And so, the most disturbing Pokémon that keeps me up at night crying in to my Poliwhirl teddy is Yamask. He’s reasonably cute and it certainly can’t be more disturbing than a balloon that kidnaps kids, creatures that kidnap kids’ soul and monsters that kill kids (seriously, what’s with the child hatred), can it?
Each of them carries a mask that used to be its face when it was human. Sometimes they look at it and cry.
Oh dear holy God, what? You mean to say that you’re able to catch a ghost that was genuinely once a human? And that the mask it carries is its old face? This is something that I’d expect to be a creepy boss in Silent Hill, not a cuddly collectable creature in Pokémon. Cubone cries over its dead mother, but somehow this is… worse. Yamask stares at its human face, sadly reminiscing about its days as a human when he wasn’t forced to fight the creatures he once considered pets.
So there we have it, thirteen disturbing Pokémon for a ‘child-orientated’ game series. Even worse perhaps is that I’ve just hand-picked these Pokémon – there’s a bunch of others that are equally as disturbing. I now understand and support why people enslave and fight with these abominations.